Submission, is it actually worth it?
Lately I’ve been struggling with what it means to be a “Godly wife. “Before I was married and walking with the Lord, I heard a sermon that outlined the role of a Christian wife. And how according to the bible she is to submit to her husband. And as a “feminist “at the time, all I could do was clutch my pearls and roll my eyes away. But it wasn’t until after I married (and found my way back to Jesus), that I understood why Godly submission to our husbands is so important for a successful marriage.
If you had asked me then what my thoughts were regarding Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands…”, you would’ve had an earful. Feminists argue that within a marriage women can do anything a man can do. Women should be able to have personal development and hit milestones as men do without being called selfish. They should be able to choose not to have children at the risk of not having successful careers. Women should have equal say in their marriage and if her husband doesn’t like it, then he is the problem. All because of a fear that has been placed within the women’s community. A fear that we are subject of emotional or physical abuse when entering any long-term commitment with the opposite sex. Thus, concluding that all men suck and it’s up to women to create a generation of men who bow down and obey.
Now let me be clear, I am in no way condemning women who have suffered at the cost of an evil person through emotional or physical abuse. But the idea that all men or most men are willing to hurt a woman that they lovingly married in the first place has made it so difficult for women who are seeking God whole heartedly to listen to voice of reason. AKA the Holy Spirit.
To be honest
I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around this specific verse. Everything inside me yells to rebel against this command, “it’s a different time, things have changed.” And yes, I’m sure, not every marriage is the same and some have gone through the ugliest of seasons but the way God intended marriage was to be under the His counsel, not under the counsel of what we (women) think is best.
Five years into my relationship with my husband I started seeing an increase in our arguments and a level of mutual disrespect that would’ve sent me running for the hills had God not been preparing my heart. I started to ask myself why? Why none of the strategies and methods I’d research or taken advice from were working? Why were we yelling and saying things that only wounded one another and created deeper resentment.
Listen, I have many many flaws and current ones that I refuse to face. But I used to think my husband just had to deal with it if he truly loved me. This way of thinking is not only tiresome for him and me, but it was biblically an incorrect attitude for a God-fearing woman.
Don’t be a Delilah
Samson and Delilah’s story is so funny. The bible says, “With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it.” She nagged him so much that he finally gave in and revealed his deepest secret which ultimately led to his downfall.
I want to focus on Delilah’s account; sure, her intentions were evil but how many times have we heard women say, “I just want what I want.” Sometimes it’s said in context of small things like food choices, or home décor. But when that idea starts to trickle into the functionality of a marriage, it can have serious consequences.
What does God say about submitting to our husbands?
The word of God is clear in how we as God fearing women should act, react, and treat our spouses should we want in return their love, respect and kindness.
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- Proverbs 31:10 says that “a good wife will always uplift her husband saying.” For instance, wishful thinking or actions like “I hope you know I respect you,” or “thank you for working so hard to support our family.” Kind words that will only help build him up instead of bringing him down.
- Verse 11: “a good wife will give no reason to her husband to doubt her integrity.” This verse I personally struggle with since the context is towards finances, and your girl thrives off amazon deals! However, this verse also means that a good wife gives her husband no reason to doubt how she manages their home and children.
- Verse 17: “a good wife cares for her health and body and works to be strong not only mentally but physically.” USA today wrote an article that stated “millennials tend to be more health conscious. According to Mintel’s survey, over 60% of millennials surveyed think their generation is more focused on health than any other generation.” This is great news for our bodies and overall health. However, our spiritual health is also if not more important than just aiding our physical needs.
- Verse 20-23: “a good wife is ambitious”, now this one can be tricky, since ambition can be both viewed as a good and negative quality. Which is why we should be ready and able to discern what type of ambition is being sought after. Godly ambition should never be for self-gain, but as a sacrifice to family and friends.
- Lastly verse 26: “a good wife will rely in Gods wisdom rather than her own.” God gave us women the ability to think critically but it’s important to be able to recognize what thoughts are coming from God and what thoughts are coming from the world. Refusing to acknowledge our errors or take accountability within a marriage only acquires one thing, resentment. Sometimes Gods ways absolutely make no sense, and it requires a level of submission we first read in Ephesians. The same level of submission He requires, should be applied when it comes to our husbands.
I want to make myself clear, submission does not equate weakness.
While studying Proverbs 31 and suffering through many arguments with my husband. I always felt like I was losing. I never felt heard or understood by my husband until I decided to fully submit to God so that He could hear me. It was then that He opened my sight, and this concept finally clicked. I understood that I could in fact vocalize my concerns and needs and felt heard. I was just going about it the wrong way. If we go back to the original verse, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” That was the missing puzzle piece, I wasn’t submitting to my husband therefore I wasn’t submitting to God’s authority. “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church…” (Ephesians 5:23).
If you’re anything like me, you’re probably still stuck on the submission part of it all. I get it, it’s a tough cookie to swallow but here’s what God’s is not saying. He’s not saying become submissive to let yourself be walked all over and have no say. But instead to live in unity by serving one another. It is not about one person holding all authority over the other but instead having a mutual submission which in return honors God and His authority over your marriage.
The Apostle Paul said “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15). That’s exactly how I felt every time my husband and I entered an argument. Everything inside me wanted to defend myself, stand up for myself, be my own cheerleader. Yet God if we allow Him, will remind us that He’s got our back, we just need to trust Him enough to handle it. Isaiah 41:10 says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
So why do we submit?
I will say it again; submission does not equal weakness. We are submitting to God not to man. We submit to a steadfast love that will never steer us wrong. And through that submission our faith and self-control are strengthened and encouraged in moments of trial. God designed us to meet each other’s needs peacefully. We just need to remember that God gives us grace over own mistakes, and we must therefore have grace for our spouses when communicating our needs and concerns (Colossians 4:6).
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